i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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