I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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