bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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