Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize