can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
