I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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