I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
