I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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