ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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