Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
youre lurking in front of me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize