I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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