Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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