I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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