TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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