Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize