Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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