hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
