I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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