My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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