Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
