Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
