Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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