FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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