i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize