how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
