This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
