i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
