Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
