booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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