I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
