Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
