There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
