My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
