I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
