oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
