My boss' voice literally gives me gas
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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