while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
