I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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