I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
