Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
