i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
