I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm at about main and main street
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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