So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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