my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
