I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
