:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
