I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
