umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
