So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
