i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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