My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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