highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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