listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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