Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you will always have a special place in my vag
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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