Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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