Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize