I skipped work to stalk him.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Best friends brother. Beat that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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